I'd like to share the following unofficial Darwin Awards nominee story with you.
It seemed like any other frigid midwestern morning when Billy and Bobby finished loading up Bobby's late model sport utility vehicle for a day of ice fishing on Lake Erie. They had warm clothes, all of their fishing gear, Bobby's shotgun, plenty of sandwiches and Budweiser, a stack of Dolly Parton CD's and Billy's golden retriever, Fetch. Oh, and the dynamite. Sawing a hole through the foot of ice that had formed during the recent cold snap seemed too much like work to our heros.
A quick stop at Mac's for coffee and Egg McMuffins, and a short drive on the highway brought them to the edge of the lake shortly after sunrise. Bobby swallowed hard, squeezed the wheel, and steered the Blazer from the bank onto the frozen surface. The ice crunched and crackled. Even his feeble brain found it hard to believe that a few scant inches of frozen liquid would keep thousands pounds of metal and gear this side of a watery grave.
The ice held, Fetch settled down in the back, and Billy popped a Bud and cranked up a Dolly tune. They were soon speeding along toward a remote spot several miles from shore where they fished from Billy's boat during the summer months. Bobby soon slid the truck to a halt and they proceeded to toss their gear out onto the ice. A good spirited argument ensued as Billy (a quarterback in high school) and Bobby (almost pitched in the minors after playing college ball) chided each other about who could toss the dynamite the farthest. A warning growl from Fetch convinced Bobby to back off and give Billy the honors.
Billy's heart raced a bit and his fingers trembled as he prepared to light the long fuse with his favorite Zippo. He cocked his arm and launched the explosive with a toss that would make Elway proud. Bobby watched the bomb sail through the air and thought about giving Billy a high five. But Billy was already retreating toward the truck to take cover before the upcoming blast. Bobby decided he'd better run too. That's about when when Billy heard the familiar sound of Fetch's license tags jingling as he ran. Just one little problem. Fetch was running toward the dynamite!!! "Fetch, NO!!!, Fetch, Fetch, NOOOOO!!!!!!", screamed a frantic Billy.
Somehow, summoning an intelligence far beyond his normal share, Bobby remembered the shotgun and frantically searched for it in the pile of gear they had tossed out of the Blazer in no particular order. Bobby found the gun about about the same time Fetch muzzled the lit stick of dynamite and started back toward the truck. A confused Billy kept yelling "Fetch, No" and " Bobby, don't you shoot my dog."
Too late. Bobby emptied one barrel after the other. Amazingly, the first missed shot missed and the second wounded the animal just enough to seek the shelter of the underside of the truck, sizzling dynamite still in tow.
I'll let you imagine most of the rest. Oh, Billy and Bobby survived, alright. The Coast Guard helicopter arrived after dozens and dozens of callers reported a loud explosion out on the lake a few miles northeast of Marblehead. The chopper crew found the two men trading punches on the ice next to the pile of gear and a huge hole in the ice. They were ranting and raving about a dog and truck that were nowhere to be seen.
The pair were charged with, among other charges; assault and battery, illegal possession of an explosive material, illegal discharge of a firearm, littering, illegal dumping, fishing without a permit, and animal cruelty.